IT’S BEEN ONE YEAR…

It’s been one year…

Since I got the part time job that supports my life while I build my business (life’s work) and write my book.

When I started my business in January of 2022, I went all the way in with both feet for 6 months and it didn’t financially bloom as I had hoped (what the first 6 months of business truly did was help me heal even more childhood trauma, good one Emiscah haha)

I wasn’t making enough to survive, I was in debt and I wasn’t willing to move in with my husbands family.

————

Two nights ago I had a dream that I finally made it back to Auntie Bee’s house and got to go through all her remaining belongings that are in the garage. 

My cousin is cleaning up and renovating her house. He will move in. Just as she had hoped. 

I cried in my dream. I grieved in my dream. I felt her with me in my dream. I was in her bathroom, but it looked different. The bathtub had wallpaper on the walls around it. 

There was a recorder in the bathroom with her voice on it. I played it over and over and over to hear voice in my dream.

She died 10 months ago now. There are no more emails. There are no more cards. There are no more opportunities to call. 

There are home videos on VHS at her house that are somewhere in her garage. I have been dying to watch them ever since she died. I’m 3 years old in them. My parents are still together. In one part of the video, my family is playing volleyball on the beach. My mum and Auntie Bee are on the same team. Auntie Bee does something that makes my mum laugh so hard she falls to her knees in the sand and laughs like she’s about to pee her pants. That kind of joy you know. 

Auntie Bee could make you laugh like that.

One time my mum did pee her pants on Bee’s porch from laughing so hard. 

I have dreams of Auntie Bee often. In dreams we process, and they offer up as a beautiful gateway into our psyche. 

I have wanted to go back to California for over a year now, even though she’s not there. I need to go to her house and I want to see my cousin and his children. 

This time last year, a few months after I found out about Auntie Bee’s cancer diagnosis, my husband got hit by a car.

So instead of being able to get back to see her, I was caring for him. I had just started a part time job so we could afford our rent, was working with clients, all the while making content, writing, selling, and marketing my work. (there’s a lot more to the story about not getting to her before she died. it was all divine. truly)

It was still a lot. My nervous system did well granted I used to have panic disorder. I didn’t have a panic attack. I was able to show up to my part time job every day I was meant to be there. I was able to show up and hold space for my clients everyday. I felt my grief as it came. I leaned into my support system. My nervous system aced it.

The financial pressure felt huge. We had to put a lot on credit cards for the first time in years. We had spent most of our time in Hawaii working to pay them off after needing them to afford permanent residency in 2 countries, work slowing down for Stefan when his father was sick in 2016 and a big international move. 

The second half of last year we went right back into the same amount of debt we left Sydney with when we moved to Hawaii. 

Interesting how numbers reoccur isn’t it. 

We’re in more debt than I would like to have. We still don’t have an emergency fund like I would like. And living in Sydney is expensive. 

But it’s only been one year. 

It’s been one year since the rug got pulled out from under me and turned me into a real woman. 

My marriage definitely lead the way to my womanhood when I got engaged at 25. But this last year, man. I am a woman with range after that. 

I am 33 years old now. 

I count my early 20’s as teen hood these days, ha. At least that’s what they felt like for me. I was exploring and trying things on. Studying, learning, trying all kinds of jobs. 

Seeing what fit with me and what didn’t. 

And now I’m here. With a purpose that was born out of my pain. Writing a book about my journey and transformation. 

With a part time job that almost covers our rent. Working with clients that I adore and constantly learning how to make a living out of my purpose.

I have an instagram community with 700 hundred followers and 400 posts. Organic, and I mean truly organic. I don’t have a marketing background or a business background. I don’t have a background in branding and never worked for a fortune 500 company. 

I wasn’t one of the ones in corporate for a long time and then shifted into entrepreneurship. I have generally always tried to live a life out of the box. I’m sure I can thank my parents for that. They didn’t push for college. They said vocations were smart. My father is was a carpenter and massage therapist. My mother a massage & cranial sacral therapist and energy healer.

I have been a babysitter/nanny since I was 12 - even younger really. I worked in restaurants while in high school so I could afford to have a car and drive it. I worked at a health food store for 4 years from age 18-22. I started as a cashier, became a store accounting coordinator, then an assistant manager. I worked in the vitamin and supplement department for a while. I even worked in the bakery for a bit.

I grow fast. I evolve fast. I love to learn knew things. 

I did my yoga teacher training when I was 22 and taught yoga for about a year. I traveled to Sydney, Australia when I was 23. Went to Interior Design school and I eventually became a permanent resident when I was 28.

It’s almost 10 years later since I landed here. 

Last weekend I ran an event called Barefoot Babes Dance Night at my local yoga studio where I am a member. The joy from that night makes me want to just have dance events every single day. 

Honestly. WE DO NOT DANCE ENOUGH. 

I dance when I am stuck in my head. I dance when I don’t know what to do. I dance when I’m angry. I dance when I’m grieving. I dance when I’m happy.

The moral of the story is:

Take chances

Trust your body

Leap when there is a flicker

Love your people really big until they’re gone, and to dance more.

Dance way more.

Previous
Previous

ARE YOU READY TO BLOOM?

Next
Next

ANXIETY AND GRIEF - FROM A TENDER HEART