ANXIETY AND GRIEF - FROM A TENDER HEART

Today, I am coming to you from a tender place within. To share some words about death, grief, and anxiety.

Today, I am making space to honor the loss of my Aunt Betsy. Or, Auntie Bee, as we called her. I tell the story of this precious loss and sacred portal of grief, on this episode of my dear friend Laurens podcast. 

 While this grief has been an ongoing experience since October 17, 2022, the other day, a strong sense of grief popped into my body. I was just driving, on the same road I drive through every few days.  

 I started crying, as I felt the pain. The pain and devastation that it was to lose my beloved Aunt and Godmother last October. 

She wasn't just my Aunt, she was one of my “safe” people. 

You know the ones. 

And today, it has been exactly 5 months without her breathing on this earth. 5 months without being able to email her and receive a response.  5 months without being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice on the other end. 5 months without a card or letter from her in my mailbox. 

It makes me cry so deeply knowing I'll never receive another envelope in my mailbox with my name and address written by her hands..and her pen.

I have journeyed through many waves of deep deep grief with this loss. Of deep mourning. Of pure heartache. Of missing her so deeply it feels like too much.

I have also witnessed my ability to hold and move through this grief with more capacity in my body. More depth, more fullness. I was able to go down deep and all around it. Without being consumed by long lasting or debilitating anxiety. I was really able to feel the grief.

As big as it was. I could really feel it all, this time. 

I have thought a lot about how I navigated this significant loss, at this time in my life. 

I reflect back to when my father-in-law died in December of 2016, and how I was his unofficial death doula. Sitting or resting either beside him or in the other room, while he was in the process of dying. My husband and I giving small doses of morphine every few hours all through the night. Watching him hallucinate, watching him talk to those waiting for him on the other side, watching his body tremor, caressing his hand or hairline, listening to him breathe erratically and inconsistently. 

I think about how that particular loss was the one that spiraled me deep down into the depths of health and death anxiety for many years. It was 4 months and a few days after that loss, that I experienced my first panic attack.

It was his death that awoke me to the many prior losses I'd experienced in my life - the grief stored in my body, that I once did not feel safe to feel. The grief of not having a very present, emotionally available father, among many other griefs. 

My father-in-laws death opened up a massive well of grief that I did not even know existed inside of my body. His death was one of the significant moments in my life, that has ultimately lead me to the life that I am living now. 

From my experience of chronic debilitating anxiety and panic attacks, loss, grief, and transition, there is something that I learned, that I feel is important to share.

And that is.. old grief that is sitting in the body, that has not been felt or processed, may arise any time you move through a transition (death, birth, marriage, move, career change, relationship loss) - old grief might look like intrusive thoughts, repetitive thoughts & various bodily sensations or symptoms  (all potential forms of anxiety) 

Important to note. If we have just lost a loved one, and are experiencing present grief, it may activate or trigger old grief as well. Present grief may also naturally trigger anxiety and panic attacks. It’s important to note that death of a loved one often tips us into the sympathetic state of the nervous system.

You see, to have experienced the depth of grief I journeyed through when Auntie Bee died, without dipping into severe chronic and debilitating anxiety again, absolutely blows me away. 

When she died, my heart palpitations came back on STRONG - for a week or two. (sign of death/grief tipping me into my sympathetic nervous system & a scared little girl inside.) 

And the truth is, death is often an experience we are fearful of. It is the ultimate unknown. 

What I have learned through my life thus far, is that my heart never fails to communicate. It's my trusty barometer.

When I need more boundaries (even if only temporary), when I need to feel the grief, when I need to make the space, my body will tell me through the body sensations of anxiety (lump or tightness in the throat, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, tightness or constriction in the chest, muscle aches, fatigue, shaking.) 

My heart is often how my body alerts me, that it's time to feel the emotions underneath (grief, anger, rage, sadness), time to up the self-care, somatic practices, nervous system support, inner child work, and time to lean on my support system and resources I have available to me.

After she died, I made space to ‘be with’ my palpitations and listen to them, without trying to ignore, fix, or push on in spite of them. I gave them my attention. I let them exist. I implemented somatic practices to support my nervous system, and as always, they eventually settled and soothed.

This is all because I now know how to hold the space for the messages my body speaks. I now know how to feel the emotion that is tied in with the sensation. 

I now know how to transmute it all into wisdom I can use to serve me.

The first few weekends after Auntie Bee died, it felt like the grief ramped up 150%. The body knows when we have more space to tend to something, so the sensations and the emotions will often get louder when the outward life gets quieter.

This is also often why, when we turn down the noise and make space to journey into our unresolved wounds and unfelt emotions, it feels like we're getting worse. But in fact, we are finally listening and paying attention, maybe for the first time in our lives. 

What I want you to know is, the very reason I was equipped, to hold the waves of grief without being pushed into debilitating anxiety this time, is because of my work. It's because of somatic practices, inner child work, and nervous system support. 

This is what working with me, to any degree, will teach you. I will teach you how to hold yourself, make space for yourself, resource yourself, and listen to your body's wisdom. 

I will teach you how to steer the ship when the waters get rough. 

Stepping into this healing work will show you how to drop into your body, be with your emotions, work with your inner child, and pay attention to your nervous system. 

If you are ready to really step into healing your anxiety, The Beginning or The Resource might be for you. 

If you simply feel a desire to see what this is all about, or just feel like you need some support in this moment (and have never worked with me before), you are welcome to book a one-off somatic session here.

You can dive deeper into the details of The Beginning on instagram. You can read all about The Resource on my website. 

If you see yourself in my words, you can email or reach out at any time. My online door is open to you. 

If you are a previous client who completed The Resource and feel the need for some support and guidance, book The Tune Up here.

With love,

Emiscah Rose