IT’S TIME TO TELL THE TRUTH

One day, after a wildly insightful chat with my business coach, I stumbled uncomfortably into a deeply truthful moment.

We had started working together in January 2022, and with her support, I birthed my service based healing business.

I rehashed and reflected on what’s been occurring in my life over the last 6 months. I have been navigating a mountain of painful, scary, and unsettling experiences. And the thing is, we all navigate this. This is part of being human.

All while being a brand new entrepreneur and business owner, I have been going through some of the most trying 9 months of my adult life. And wow, I didn’t sit back to actually reflect on all of it as a whole, until this morning. I have of course been aware of each moving piece as it’s unfolded. I have felt all of it. I have held myself through all of it. But gosh, it’s really been a big stack of stressors.

What I’m in awe of, considering the stack I’m holding, is that I’m not sitting in an emergency room thinking I’m dying or having multiple panic attacks a day like I once was. I am sitting here in my bed, writing this, riding each and every wave as it comes.

I am sitting here so much more resourced, capable and resilient than I ever thought I was. I talk about this all the time. This is what I teach on. And here it is in plain daylight, reminding me of just how much the human body can hold, and reminding me of the power and determination of the human spirit.

Now, time for the truth….

I started my online service based healing business beginning of January 2022. I was already working a receptionist sales job at a holistic day spa, with no plans to leave. I would stay until I got my business off the ground. Until life had a different plan, and the vaccine mandates finally rolled into my line of work. The mandate was I receive the covid vaccine by 31st of January 2022, or I would no longer be allowed to work there. I would no longer be allowed to work there, but I could serve the unvaccinated and I could shop there? It’s a strange thing that the world shouts ‘my body my choice’ until untested vaccines are involved.

So that was it. I had to make a choice. Between my livelihood and my body. I didn’t think those mandates would touch me. I thought “no, I’m a receptionist at a day spa, that wouldn’t make sense”.

Nonetheless, I chose my body. I chose what felt aligned with my values and myself.

My intuitive sense was very strong on this - very clear - very firm.

And, I have never been vaccinated, not just covid vaccinated, but have never received any vaccine - except for a tetanus shot at 16. My first jab wasn’t going to be some new one that had never been served on the shelves before. 

I was so ashamed about the choice I had to make and the loss of my job. I hardly told a soul in the very beginning - I only told my husband, my long-time practitioner, my therapist, and my business coach. I wasn’t even comfortable telling my closest friends. My heart rate skyrocketed as I was about to share the news with my business coach. We had just met and just started working together, I was afraid she would judge me. The whole world was judging good hearted and caring people like me, very harshly - I think we’re all still waiting for that apology.

My business coach is a gem. She just gets it. She didn’t judge me at all. She saw this as an opportunity that was happening for me, to finally step forward and through my body shaking fear and claim what is my souls work - my life’s work.

“You are a healer,” she said in our first call.

My face planted into my hands. Why does everyone always tell me that?! “WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HOW DO YOU KNOW?”

She just knew. 

So here it all was for me. There was no choice, I was never going to get vaccinated, especially not for $24-30 an hour as a receptionist.

So I was let go. I still don’t think they have officially fired me but I was told not to return to work. 

And then, everything started happening too fast. I poured myself into my new business. I jumped in with two feet, literally shaking most days for fear of letting myself be seen, not just on social media, but in real life.

And I did it. I walked through every single door that fear presented. I did it all, alongside the fear. I hold great pride in myself for this, coming from a history of generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I jumped into one of the most unknown experiences one can experience: entrepreneurship. 

That beautiful 16 letter word. And what that word means to me now feels spiritual. It’s deep, if you know what I’m talking about. As my business coach often says, we heal through the modality of conscious entrepreneurship. 

It’s been 9 months. That’s how long it takes to grow a human. I have been growing this sweet little seed for 9 months. Sometimes I get so frustrated, “just happen faster, would you!” But you know what, it happens to the degree in which we are ready.

We receive what we are ready for. We receive what we are ready to claim. We receive what we are ready to unapologetically desire. And time, it doesn’t happen the way we want it to. Time doesn’t follow a strategy or a 5 step plan. We cannot speed it up, we cannot slow it down. Time just is. 

But man, when I sit back and really observe what I have created this far, I am so proud of myself.

I am so proud of the shy, quiet, scared little girl who was always afraid to speak up. To say what she really thought. To rock the boat. To be HERSELF. I am so proud of her. Because she’s doing that now, slowly, at her own pace, she is becoming herself. And not only becoming it. She is expressing it to other people that might disagree.

And yes, I might have more controversial opinions than you thought of me. Maybe you thought I was neutral, or always on the “good side”. Whatever side that even is. You probably also thought I was a democrat. I don’t fit in boxes like that, it just doesn’t work for me.

The human experience is so much greater than that. Bigger than that. More full and complex than that. But you know who I love?

I really adore Barack Obama. It has nothing to do with his politics or the truth about his potentially shady background (?) - just look at the man and listen to him. He’s so regal to me. I guess the reality is he could convince anyone of anything and we just believe him, don’t we? He’s magnetic, that’s for sure.

I am also fascinated by Kanye West and the courage that man has to speak his mind and his truth.

I love all kinds of people.

I see all kinds of things. I don’t see it in black and white. I see the world in color.

Over the years, I have also developed a soft spot for Donald Trump; for the hurt little boy I sometimes see inside of him, and an admiration for the great success he has created for himself and his family. I appreciate his sense of humor and his dance moves are hilarious. I’ve come far considering I cried in agony when he won the 2016 presidential election. I have done a lot of digging for the truth since then, 2020-2022 showed us a lot, and my original opinion of him has changed.

I really like Joe Rogan. I love how he asks questions. I find him to be so smart and clever in the way he shares information and talks to all kinds of people, like really talks to them. He is so curious and incredibly open minded, all the while with a gentle undertone.

I don’t know how this blog turned into this but it did. The reality is that the more I tend to my wounds and return to myself, the more truth I start to see. The more truth I start to see, the less triggered I am by the varying colors of humanity.

I guess I’m tired of being quiet. Exhausted actually.

I didn’t go through the living hell of anxiety and back to stay quiet. Aren’t we here to express ourselves? Even if our opinion is deemed controversial and labeled conspiracy? We are human beings with wildly brilliant brains. 

Back to the story…

A few months after I lost my job and started my business, my husband - the self-employed breadwinner of the family, showed to have developed significant bone degeneration in his spine. He was in too much chronic pain to work. And there we were, two entrepreneurs with no savings, no emergency fund, no backup plan, and some real shit.

My ‘sense of financial safety’ - that I had unconsciously placed on him, flew out the window.

What was left? Me. Whose job was it to establish financial safety for me? Me. Who had not taken full responsibility for her financial wellness her entire life? Me. 

So here I was. Having only recently overcome anxiety disorders. Fumbling around in my new business. No money. And you know what occurred for me shortly after the initial terror of this situation?

A deeply felt, inner sense of safety.

From no where outside of me. I knew the only place to look for true safety - I knew where it was. Because it is my work. It is what I do. The safety I was desperately looking for inside of this situation, was deep inside of me. And it was my job to dig deeper than I thought possible (minus panic attack deep cause that over takes all of this) and re-establish a whole new layer of safety in my body.

Then, in May of 2022, both my husband and I got covid for the first time; within a few days of each other. And boy was that a long deep transformational ride, especially as someone who has a history of health and death anxiety. As I was recovering and coming through that, I got the news that my beloved Auntie Bee - my godmother, the matriarch of our family, and the one relative I have a deep bond with, was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer. I’ve been spiritually bonded to this woman for my entire life. We always felt it.

So here I was, in Australia, recovering from covid, with no money, no emergency fund, a hefty chunk of debt, a husband in chronic pain, and the responsibility for money was on me, for the both of us.

The following month, my husband got some help with his pain, and finally started to feel better. He went back to work and we thought “great, well that was a rough patch”.

But we are coming out of this and it’s going to be ok. 

One month after he went back to work, on July 26th, 2022, he was riding his bike as he rides it every day of the week, and he got hit by a car. A 92 year old man just didn’t see him. Lucky they were at an intersection, lucky the car was not going over 30km per hour. Lucky my husband was completely aware as he watched the car in slow motion, as it collided into him. Lucky he only stumbled into shock, immediately started shaking, and managed to call his own ambulance. Lucky that everyone survived (that was a big stress not just for my husband, but also for a very old man)

If this wasn’t a wake up call, I don’t know what was.

This moment, one of my GREATEST fears the entire 9 years I have known him, just happened - in real life. Watching what my nervous system did in that moment was like the greatest science experiment of my life. And wow, I did not collapse. I did not collapse into a panic attack. I did not suppress the shaking that came full force when the police called me. I followed the wisdom of my body and what it did. I used my tools. My resources. My wizard of a practitioner of 7 years - you know those people who do everything and are just so connected it’s kinda scary? She texted me 10 minutes after it happened. “ Are you ok?” or “how are you?” she said. She must have felt something. 

“Stef just got hit by a car. I am ok. I am going to the hospital.” 

I suddenly adopted some sort of laser focus that I could feel all throughout my body and my brain You know why I didn’t collapse into a panic attack granted my history? My window of tolerance had widened, I knew it was safe to trust my body, and my practitioner stayed on the phone with me as I parked and walked into the hospital.

You know why else I didn’t collapse into a panic attack? I have been healing and tending to my nervous system for years. I have been connecting deeply to my body for years. I have been tending to my inner child for years.

This is why I could do this. My greatest fear staring me straight in the face saying, “hey - you think you’re all done and healed up forever? Well, here you go.”

You see, it felt like the whole thing happened to show me where I was still outsourcing my sense of safety and my power. Another experience in this life, that happened for me to learn, evolve, heal and love while I am alive on this planet. 

Now here I was, caretaking the man I loved who just got hit by a car. Bandages, helping him shower, get dressed, cleaning, cooking, laundry, holding, supporting, loving him all the way through it, all the while learning how to build a business and figure out marketing, sales, messaging, content, systems, payment processors, writing, and serving clients.

All the money pressure was on me for the first time in my life. I felt like I wasn’t getting why this had to happen. I was so upset having allowed myself to be in this position. I did what I needed to do to relieve some pressure. I got a part time job. I applied for 0% credit cards - got denied the first time. Applied again and got it. I have this real strong bone in me that finds ways to turn no’s into yes’s. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it’s just persistence.

With my husband being out of order and all of my attention needed on him and us. Some things that were distracting and out of alignment became very uncomfortably clear. People that were no longer able to ride with life’s natural ebbs and flows couldn’t stay. People who I allowed to suck me dry - I couldn’t do it anymore. By my own fault, and my own wounded patterns and behaviors, I was still trying to take care of many people in my life. I was always the one who was there for everyone, at the expense of myself. And this time, an entire new wave of big boundaries landed upon me, giving me no choice but to listen. My body got loud again, to make sure I no longer stayed inside of any of those old patterns.

In this time, I moved through deep grief after choosing to leave a longtime friendship that I no longer felt in resonance with. 

I bumped my forehead so badly on the trunk of my car that it split open and bled.

I took a homeopathic remedy that brought so much of my remaining trauma up to the surface and it expressed painfully, through my body.

And just 2 weeks ago, the news arrived that my dear Aunt was entering palliative care at home. The Aunt I thought I would have already flown over the ocean to see. The Aunt that held so much safety for me when I was a child. The Aunt that holds all the stories. 

And through it all. All of this grief, that has literally knocked me on my back and put me in bed for one week. I have been internally resourced. I have been well. I have not had a panic attack. I have not been riddled with anxiety.

Am I experiencing a tremendous amount of emotional pain and grief? Yes.

But do I know how to feel all of this now? Yes.

I am following the wisdom of my body. This is what I know to be truth, through and through, time and time again. Even when I still catch myself pathologizing out of nowhere. Even when I am on my knees in tears. I am connected to my body. I trust it. My nervous system knows it’s window of tolerance. My inner child knows I’m there for her. This is the power of reconnecting to your body. This is the power of nervous system regulation. This is the power of inner child tending. Yes - trauma healing is many things and many modalities support us. But these three things - these hold a lot of long-lasting healing potential in them.

And yes, I am here in my bed. My Aunt is dying in hers. I am working with clients. I make content when I feel like it. I connect with my dear friends. I haven’t done my morning practice today. I haven’t been on my walks in weeks. My husband is receiving pennies from the insurance company. We are living on a credit card until we’re not. I am still alive.

And the safety I was always looking for, is right here, inside of me.