How We Heal

As I was walking to the bathroom last night, it dawned on me. My body feels safe now. At my worst, every waking moment was riddled with anxiety. Simple mundane things like having a shower, brushing teeth, making food, doing the laundry, all felt impossible. My body was constantly on alert. Hyper-vigilant. Health anxiety. Obsessive worry. Obsessive scanning of my body - pressing into my belly, poking at myself - trying to find something wrong. I had no sense of safety. I had a phobia of my internal experience. No regulation. No ease. No freedom. No joy. Only survival. That was my body. Riddled with heart palpitations, a skipped beat every 5 minutes. Fidgety - couldn’t sit still. What was wrong with me?

Nothing.

What was happening?

An expression of chronic stress and unresolved trauma. A dysregulated nervous system. A lack of safety inside of myself. A frightened child - a frozen adult. The visceral terror inside, not many know what that’s like, but I do.

So many somatic symptoms. And what was underneath them? Suppressed emotions - sadness, anger, grief, fear, terror.

And how did I get to where I am today? Years of trauma-informed care and co-regulation with safe others. Years of feeling my suppressed emotions. Years of shaking, dancing, laughing, crying and screaming. There is no secret. If you are ready to transform your pain, show up and stay with it- that’s all you have to do.

Stick with the process even when it gets hard. Even when it feels like it’s not working. Even when you feel like giving up. Even when you feel like you are not going to get better. Even when you feel like you are going backwards. Trust your journey. Stay. Be. Hold yourself through each moment.

A lifetime of traumatic experiences, suppressed emotions and a dysregulated nervous system does not dissolve in a few months. It does not dissolve in one year - not even 5 years. It dissolves for the rest of your life, it dissolves once you are finally free from survival mode. It dissolves every time you set a necessary boundary. Every time you meet your own need. Every time you speak your truth. Every time you keep small promises to yourself. Every time you journal. Every time you take a seat in your sacred space. Every time you breathe deeply into your belly. Every time you put your feet on the bare earth. Every time you sooth your inner child. Every time you tone your vagus nerve. Every time you dance. Every time you co-regulate with your person, therapist, coach or pet. Every time you stop abandoning yourself, and every time you trust yourself.

THAT, is how you heal. THAT, is how you become whole.

THAT, is when you become free.