Reframing Anxiety And The Fear Of Dying

This was written in August of 2018**

I have been trudging through deep waters of fear, anxiety, and panic for over a year.

Where did this fear come from?

In the beginning, it was cloaked by a million anxious thoughts hooking my attention, protecting me from feeling the enormity of it. Sure, this degree of severity was triggered by a loss that tumbled into every corner of my life.

But it first started as relationship anxiety that then morphed into health anxiety, death anxiety, career anxiety and eventually became generalized.

Anxiety has a habit of pouncing around onto the subject of the week, or even the day, down to the hour. Slowly, through continuous excavation to find the root, I discovered the core of it.

The core is my fear of dying. It's scary as hell to think about. Nobody wants to talk about it. I don’t want to accept it. I listened to an Oprah podcast recently where Caroline Myss explained, "Our greatest fear is not actually dying, the fear comes from not knowing when or how we are going to die." That translates to mean that my fear of dying is actually a fear of the “unknown.”

I have always been connected to what one might call the "other side" or “life” after death. I have experienced connections since childhood, and always had a comfortable curiosity about what happens after our bodies die. When I was in my early twenties, I wanted to die. I wanted to go to our real home. I didn’t see the point of being on this planet at all; because I was so unfulfilled, and in so much emotional pain; I didn't care to live.

This past year and a half has taken me for a ride physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And you know what I actually think it is? This fear of death?

It's actually a deep, painful awareness of how fragile life is.

Every single breath we take is a privilege. Every minute we inhabit our bodies free of pain is a gift. Every day we get to walk around in a state wellness is a blessing.

I have become so hyper-aware about how precious my life is, I don't want to leave it. It took me a long time to get to this place of being. Beyond compounding psychological and emotional stress, that which intimately introduced me to fear of death is:

I hadn’t experienced such a profound depth of contentment with waves of happiness, up until a few years ago. Silently thanking my husband, as not to give him too much credit; but it is said, the best type of therapy is a healthy relationship.

Truthfully, it is an inside job, but he was a huge catalyst for me. (More on that here)

Once this deep contentment settled in me, I didn't want it to go away.

I've grasped for dear life.

And ultimately, what I have found, is that my greatest fear is actually “dying with my music still in me”, as Wayne Dyer used to say. Dying with my unborn creations that desperately want to be birthed. Dying before having babies of my own. Dying before writing my heart out. Dying before dancing wildly like no one is watching. Dying before living a full beautiful life with my husband. Dying before seeing more of the world. I have so much to do here, I want to be here. I want to continue to be blessed with the absolute gift of waking up each day.

Do you really feel what a privilege it is to grow old? Can you sense that in your bones? To have wrinkles and age spots that tell stories of a whole life lived?

We are literally walking miracles. Growing old is one of the greatest gifts on this planet.

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Time is a gift.

My anxiety is just the very awareness of how precious and fleeting time is. Of how everything can change in less than a second. And how magnificent this whole dream truly is.

So really, I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid to - not live.

I'm afraid to wake up one day when my time is up, and to have not been present for everything I hoped to experience.

So here it is. It starts now with this blog. I want to write and share my words. I want people to read what's in my heart; because sharing our stories connects us to something greater than ourselves.

It connects us with each other. I once read that: vulnerability is the essence of connection, and connection is the essence of existence.

So here we are, will you join me in this existence?

See you on the other side. xx

Death Valley, California 2012

If you’re ready to enter the journey needed to heal your anxiety from the ground up.

I offer one to one somatic healing sessions. You can find the details in the ‘how to work with me’ tab on my website.

You are safe here.